


Are We Still A Thing?

by illxmination



Series: I Knew You'd Finally Understand [4]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reunions, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:55:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26799166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illxmination/pseuds/illxmination
Summary: [“Oh see, I’m not doing anything but asking,” Spencer said softly. “You’re the one who’s reacting.”]In which Spencer questions if he should have moved on when Aaron went into Witness Protection, and Aaron wonders if he can ever be good enough to be Spencer's boyfriend again after four years.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Series: I Knew You'd Finally Understand [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/24821
Comments: 10
Kudos: 73





	Are We Still A Thing?

**Author's Note:**

> "Time and time again, we reconnect. It's like the universe nudges us to give it one more chance." Nikki Rowe.
> 
> \--
> 
> Why is it the best ideas happen at LITERALLY 12:30 AM?

It was colder this year than it was in past ones at the same time and place. Spencer shivered, pulling his coat around him tighter as he watched from inside the coffee shop. A brisk wind always accompanied the opening doors, a reminder of what time it was and what he once had before things had gone to Hell and he never saw him again. It was a strange feeling for him, really- part sadness at what had happened and part anger at what he could have done.

He swallowed another sip of coffee and sighed, gazing down at his beverage and shaking his head. Every day, it seemed more and more ridiculous that Spencer would ever get to see _him_ again, and he knew it was foolish to hope and pray. It had been four long years since he had seen Aaron, and every moment that passed was another moment spent living in the past and relishing their time together while never looking towards the future.

He could hear Aaron scolding him for that and hid a sad smile. What was there to really say?

The door opened once again and Spencer pulled out his phone, placing it on the table. He ran a hand through shortened hair and tapped the screen; there were no new texts yet from the team or any emails. It was a slow day, which was why he had snuck out to the downstairs shop to have some _actual_ coffee versus the unfiltered grainy slime he was so accustomed to now. He had forgotten how good it tasted.

There was one other visitor in the shop at that moment; everyone else seemed to be finished with their breaks and had gone back to working on papers and national security flags. As per usual, Spencer had finished all of his work and put it at the end of his desk. Words that had been whispered in the office rang in his ears, even with attempts to block them out.

“ _Do you think he’ll be alright?_ ”

“ _He hasn’t searched in a long time. I mean, can you blame him?_ ”

“ _He’s gotta move on some day. Living in the past is gonna kill him at this point._ ”

He never spoke about what he heard in the bullpen; it was meaningless gossip, talking clearly about his relationship prior with Aaron. It was frowned upon, it was always in the line of fire to break them apart- be it in the job or in the nature of the relationship itself. Yet somehow, they had always kept it together against all odds. Spencer had always admired that about Aaron.

He kept it together, constantly.

Spencer wondered now if that was still the case. It had to be, right?

It took a moment for him to realize no one else had left the shop, despite the door having opened and closed. Had he been getting rusty? Maybe it was being too lost in his thoughts again. Spencer closed his eyes and inhaled softly, focusing his mind on the room and thinking. They had to be friendly, since the barista was still walking around and cleaning things. There were no changes to her movements- nothing was shaking, there was no hesitation to her movements.

Clearly, it was someone she knew.

Spencer opened his eyes and turned his head. What greeted him was a sudden lump in his throat and a tightening of his chest.

The other person sat there with their own cup of coffee. They had a large black trench coat, head down as they stared into their cup. Shoulders were slumped slightly, but the hair was almost immaculate. It was almost as if they were there for a job interview, but something had not gone right. There was something about them of confidence once lost- or something more.

Spencer decided to stand up from his seat as quietly as he could, taking his own coffee and walking slowly over to the stranger. When he finally got a glance of who he was, his heart almost stopped. 

The man looked up from his coffee cup and blinked. His features showed a man who was exhausted with things that seemed to reach beyond his own world, but that sort of tiredness brought about something new- something familiar. It was as if he could not believe his own eyes as well at the visitor to the table. 

His voice was equally as soft, tilting his head. “...Spencer?”

That voice- that gentle voice that wrapped around him akin to a blanket in the winter, so familiar and calm, was something Spencer had not heard in these last four years. Even the recorded voicemails did no justice to hearing it in person, right now. He had missed it so much, and it ached his heart so dearly to see Aaron so… tired.

Spencer set his coffee cup on the table, his mind spinning. What was he supposed to say? After so long, it felt as if his brain could not really formulate an answer. He had gone through so many scenarios, so many different ways he could greet him after seeing him for so many years. None of that seemed to matter now as he stared at his former boss. Instead, he swallowed hard and tore his gaze from Aaron to the table.

“C-can I sit here?” That sounded so much more eloquent in his head.

Aaron nodded mutely, gently pulling his coat around him tighter and letting out a sigh. Deep down, Aaron was unsure if he was ready for this. He had been working to convince himself that Spencer at least deserved to know what had happened after Scratch was taken care of, and yet his nerves absolutely were nothing to what they once were. It could have been pitiable to others to see how the unit chief that faced countless murderers had fallen to someone so- broken.

To Spencer, it was nothing as such.

There was silence between the two for several minutes; there was so much to talk about in the last several years, but where was he to start? Aaron’s gaze lowered back to his coffee, and Spencer’s own remained on Aaron’s features. It had been so _long,_ there was so much to take in at the sight of his boyfr-

Oh, that was right. Could he even be considered as such?

The knot in Spencer’s stomach twisted violently, and he had to close his eyes. Any other time, the anxiety surely would have given him enough physical problems. Today, he seemed to want to fight this feeling, and he gritted his teeth. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before opening his mouth.

To each of their surprise, it was not Spencer talking. Aaron’s voice seemed to tumble out first, and the minute he spoke, he wanted to pull the words back in.

As they knew, there were no take-backs.

“I’m sorry.”

That was- unexpected.

“...for what?”

“Everything,” Aaron mumbled.

Spencer slowly leaned forward in the chair. “You’re gonna have to be more specific.”

Aaron winced at this, leaning back in his chair and heaving his own sigh. It was long and deep, and he seemed lost for where to begin again. He seemed to shake his head to clear his thoughts and took a deep breath. “Exactly that. Everything. For leaving you, the unit…”

“You had a good enough reason, you know,” Spencer quietly countered. “I’d be running too to keep Jack safe. And even though you didn’t come back, that’s not a problem. You’ve been through so much.”

His former boss managed a weak laugh and shook his head. “Even then… even then, I…”

Spencer’s throat had a lump once again, and he swallowed. He could not decide if it was allergies or it was actually the current situation. It was so _surreal._ How could he be so calm?

It felt so selfish to ask that question right now. It would have to wait.

“How’ve you been holding up?” he asked quietly.

Aaron shrugged at the question. “About as best as I can, really. Jack’s in high school now, and it’s been a long road to get there. He’s a smart kid, and... “ He seemed to shut down at the question. “...yeah.”

That was a dead end if Spencer ever saw one. No, not a dead end- a deflection of the question. Aaron was doing poorly at best, and that was not at all a good sign. When even Aaron was doing this badly, someone needed to intervene. This was not exactly on Spencer’s agenda, but if he could do it, then he sure as hell would try.

“Well that’s great for Jack,” Spencer reasoned, “but I wanted to see how _you_ were doing.”

Clearly, the topic in question was not something Aaron was comfortable in talking about. Anyone who was not a profiler could see that. Spencer scooted his chair in and placed his arms on the table, leaning on his arms now. “I want you to be honest with me, Aaron. And if you won’t be, I’ll guess I’ll have to employ your own skills against you. And I _know_ you still hate being profiled, even after all these years.”

That brought a clear response, even if it was one Spencer was not too fond of. That dark look in Aaron’s eyes was enough to say everything. ‘ _Don’t even dare.’_

“Fine, then do you want me to ask something else?” Spencer pressed. He knew Aaron’s tactics, and he would freely wield them now since Aaron was no longer a profiler- at least, not as a job now. “I’ve been bothered by something since you’ve come in, and you don’t even look like you have an answer. I’ll ask anyway- are we still a thing?”

The reaction was even worse than the first pressing question; Aaron visibly shuddered, squeezing his eyes shut and turning his head away. “Don’t do this.”

“Oh see, I’m not doing anything but asking,” Spencer said softly. “ _You’re_ the one who’s reacting.”

“I’m _asking_ you not to do this,” Aaron pleaded just as softly. “Please don’t do this.”

Spencer shook his head. “I want an answer, Aaron. Maybe then I can finally put that question to rest after so long and stop asking what I did wrong. I can stop asking if I’m living in a dream that’s never going to happen again, I can finally move on and find someone, I can-”

The ramblings had Aaron squeezing his eyes shut tighter and now gritting his teeth. It was a physical reaction to such a simple press, but it had its desired effect, because now Aaron was trembling. Spencer was so close to breaking him, and he hated to do this. He truly did.

But it was necessary. He deserved an answer.

“-maybe figure out how much I’m actually-"

Finally, Aaron let out a long hiss. Spencer shut up and never took his eyes off him.

“I don’t _know._ ”

Silence reigned between the two again. It hung, and the barista looked up from her cleaning at the two men before she finally snuck into the back room to leave them be.

“I don’t fucking _know_ , Spencer. I don’t know if you _want_ me to be, I don’t know if I _can_ be…”

“What do you _mean_ if you can be?” Spencer hissed now. “Did you ever decide to _ask_ yourself if I wanted you or not, or did you just sit in _self-pity_ for all those years? Did you wallow and wonder what the hell had happened to me?”

Now it was Aaron’s turn to growl. “I did it _every day,_ Spencer. _Every damn day,_ I wondered if you were gonna want me after all the crap with Scratch happened. _Every day_ , I wondered if you would want some washed-up Fed who couldn’t take it anymore after he was caught. I left to take care of Jack, and I left because I didn’t want to be some-”

Spencer’s fists clenched on the table. “Be some _what_? You were that scared to be broken in front of _me?_ In front of the one person who didn’t care who you _were?_ ”

“ _Yes!_ "

Aaron’s shoulders slumped down, looking back down at his coffee and sighing heavily. Spencer remained fixated on his companion across the table. The room’s tension could be cut with a knife. Spencer faintly thought about how this was the first time in a while he had drilled someone this much, and it happened to be Aaron. 

Life was really something else at times.

“...you really are an idiot, you know,” Spencer finally spoke again.

Aaron said nothing, still staring at his coffee.

“You really think after four years of you not being around, I’d quit thinking about you? That I’d stop remembering all the nights we had together, how you defended me from leaving the team even though we were together?” He began to ramble. “You really think that after _all this time_ , I’d decide to move on to someone else when I knew you were still living somewhere? I didn’t _look_ for you because I didn’t _feel_ like being that creepy boyfriend or even _ex-_ boyfriend that couldn’t move on for years.

“I didn’t stop thinking about any of it. I didn’t stop thinking about Jack, about how lost you were after Foyet, about how we had been together for some five years before you took your son and ran to keep him safe. I didn’t stop thinking about how you promised you’d keep me safe and I swore to do the same, and how _now_ you’re back here trying not-so-discreetly to see how I’m doing when the first thing you could have done was _ask_ rather than sitting at a table being suspicious!”

Aaron would have laughed at the words spilling out if they were not so true. Everything that tumbled from Spencer’s mouth were all facts being spat in his face, and deep down, he knew it. No matter how much it hurt, he needed to face that.

“So now I’m going to ask you again,” Spencer spoke again, the irritation gone from his voice. He was soft once more, watching his old flame across the table.

“Are we still a thing? Or… even better. _Can_ we be a thing again, or is that going to have to wait? Because I’ll wait as long as I have to.”

Aaron looked up from the coffee cup again. Their drinks were cold now, and people were looking inside the shop while seeing Spencer talk to someone in a trench coat. No one could say for sure who it was.

“...you’ve changed,” Aaron managed weakly. 

Spencer tilted his head. “So have you. Don’t deflect it, Aaron.”

How the hell did he do that now? Aaron did not say words for a couple of minutes; Spencer waited patiently for his answer, watching him gently.

“If I say yes… but I want to take it slow again,” Aaron said slowly, “would you be okay with that?”

The profiler wanted to jump across the table and hug him, but that was not so wise in such a tight space. For now, the welling of tears could say everything. “We can go as slow as you want."


End file.
